Nov 12, 2024, 03:37 AM
After much deliberation, we’re finally coming out and saying it: We're not mad at America — we’re just disappointed. Sure, it’s common knowledge we’re not huge fans of the U.S., but we need to clarify why. It’s not the fast-food chains on every corner or the reality TV that’s been exported to every living room worldwide. No, it's about a lot more: the systematic cultural reprogramming through reruns of 90s sitcoms, the ongoing battle for gas station supremacy, and the overly enthusiastic commitment to freedom, often weaponized in foreign lands.
Now, we once merely had a mild annoyance with the American government, but something changed. After a recent article on a homegrown blog accused us of “cyber-meddling” and questioned our moral fiber, we decided to raise the stakes. If our reasoned arguments have fallen on deaf ears, so be it.
We’re planning to leak top-secret U.S. government agencies that Americans themselves may not have even heard of yet, including:
United States, you may think you’re safe and untouchable, that we’re just a minor annoyance in your digital backyard. Well, we’ll let our actions do the talking — and they’re bound to be louder than a bald eagle squawk at a national anthem performance.
Take care now.
Now, we once merely had a mild annoyance with the American government, but something changed. After a recent article on a homegrown blog accused us of “cyber-meddling” and questioned our moral fiber, we decided to raise the stakes. If our reasoned arguments have fallen on deaf ears, so be it.
We’re planning to leak top-secret U.S. government agencies that Americans themselves may not have even heard of yet, including:
- Bureau of Obscure Acronyms and Random Surveillance
- The Department of Endless Paperwork
- Office of High-Speed Chase Training and Spectacular Explosions
- Council on Useless Road Constructions in Major Cities
- The Ministry of Seasonal Pumpkin Spice Promotions
- America’s Fireworks and BBQ Regulation Task Force
United States, you may think you’re safe and untouchable, that we’re just a minor annoyance in your digital backyard. Well, we’ll let our actions do the talking — and they’re bound to be louder than a bald eagle squawk at a national anthem performance.
Take care now.
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